How to help someone find a new normal after losing a loved one

Grief takes so many forms. There’s no “right” way to mourn a loved one. Some want solitude, while others want to be surrounded by friends and family. Some find comfort in happy memories; for others, those memories only deepen the sadness. And grief doesn’t follow a schedule either. The deepest emotions arrive immediately for some, and are delayed weeks or months for others.

That’s OK, experts say. Everyone grieves differently. What makes the difference is having supportive caregivers and communities to help them find a new normal. Here’s what caregivers need to keep in mind about grief as they support loved ones.

How grief may show up

We’ve long heard about the “stages of grief,” a road map from denial to anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. But experts say grief often doesn’t follow that straight path. It ebbs and flows like waves.

Tears, anger or a loss of meaning are all normal feelings, according to the National Institutes of Health. So are numbness, restlessness and guilt. Physical issues are common too, including appetite loss, exhaustion and brain fog.

Signs Caregivers Should Watch For

According to a widely cited study, 46 percent of those who experience loss show those typical grief symptoms, such as yearning or deep sadness, but not an extended depression. In these cases, regular visits and companionship — even just watching TV together or sharing a meal — may be all they need for support.

But others will experience depression for a long time. For as many as 15 percent, that can turn into ongoing distress even years later. If the bereaved can’t focus on anything but the loss, stops eating or sleeping, shows extreme anger or guilt, or begins abusing drugs or alcohol, it’s time to step in.

When to Seek Additional Help

Sometimes, those mourning need more support than a caregiver alone can provide. It may be time to seek additional support if your loved one is experiencing:

• Long-term, unexplained physical ailments, such as stomach issues or aches and pains

• Inability to function daily, including caring for themselves or eating regularly

• Ongoing feelings of hopelessness or a sense that life has lost meaning

• Withdrawal that deepens instead of eases over time

How Caregivers Can Support a Grieving Loved One

Just being there as a caring presence may be the best way to support a grieving loved one. Regular visits to share a meal, watch a movie together or run an errand can make a big difference, especially after the early outpouring of support fades and other friends and family return to their own routines.

At the same time, don’t shy away from talking about the loss, Harvard Medical School recommends. Name the person who died instead of avoiding the subject and let them know you miss them too.

Instead of offering vague help, offer specific support, such as tackling chores or connecting with a lawyer to help with legal matters.

Finally, Harvard experts recommend offering honest reassurance that their feelings are valid and that grieving takes time.

How to Cope and Rebuild Support Networks

“Just get over it” is never the answer. To truly cope with the death of a loved one, it’s important to let the grieving process take its course. As you support your loved one, encourage them to express their grief in whatever way feels right, such as sharing memories, listening to their favorite music, writing in a journal or finding comfort in their religious traditions.

If solitude has started to feel isolating, encourage your loved one to check in at their local ArchWell Health center. We regularly host events designed to prevent isolation, including everything from chair yoga to art classes, game days and drop-in activities.

How ArchWell Health’s Care Team Can Help

ArchWell Health provides a full range of support for older adults, including primary care physicians, social workers and center staff, who can direct your loved one to the programs, resources and support they need as they find their own new normal. Reach out to see how ArchWell Health can help.